Eagle 5 Log #0001: Detour from Deep Dish: Breaking News on the Road to Druidia
Filed by Buzz Spaceworthy, Intergalactic Field Correspondent, A.S.S.
Location: Aboard Eagle 5, Mid-trajectory to the planet Druidia
Mission Status: Aborted exposé on Pizza the Hutt — diverted by royal distress call
Emotional Status: Mildly queasy, emotionally betrayed by a chili burrito
To my faithful audience, the citizens of the cosmos with eyes to see and stomachs to churn,
This is Buzz Spaceworthy, your brave Intergalactic Field Correspondent with the Associated Story Spinners (A.S.S.), transmitting live from aboard the Eagle 5, the galaxy’s most aggressively unfashionable RV-class starcruiser. I was to be embedded with this crew for what was supposed to be a hard-hitting exposé on galactic corruption — a deep investigation into Pizza the Hutt, the cheesy crime lord with a crust so thick even whistleblowers couldn’t chew through it.
My original plan was noble, if slightly greasy: meet with Captain Lone Starr and get his personal account of how a good man ends up running delivery jobs for an interstellar deep-dish dictator. Redemption, regret, rogue pepperoni — it had all the makings of top-tier investigative journalism. That was the story.
Until the call came in.
Just as my shuttle was prepping to dock with the Eagle 5, Lone Starr received a desperate, encrypted message from the royal House of Druidia. The King’s only daughter — Princess Vespa — had fled an arranged marriage and was being pursued by the dreaded Spaceballs. And just like that, my crime piece turned into a frontline dispatch from a developing galactic crisis.
Naturally, I considered returning to my shuttle and filing a complaint about unsafe working conditions. But the crew mistook my fear for enthusiasm and tossed my luggage into a storage compartment labeled “Potential Hostages.” So here I remain.
Change of Assignment: War Correspondent (Reluctant)
I am now embedded with Captain Lone Starr and his half-man, half-dog co-pilot Barf, who has already offered me a churro. Their ship smells like fear, leather seats, and off-brand space air freshener, but it’s the heart of the story now. And the story is unfolding fast.
We are currently en route to intercept the royal cruiser and mount what Starr confidently called a “totally-not-improvised rescue mission.” His exact words were, “We’ll save the princess, get the reward, and get out. Easy.” Which, in journalism, is what we call foreboding.
This wasn’t the scoop I set out to get — but it might just be the story that defines my career. Forget crusty crime lords for now. This is about heroism, hijinks, and high-stakes hyperdrives.
Coming Up Next:
My exclusive analysis of Lone Starr’s plane to rescue the Princess Vespa.
Faithfully reporting,
Intergalactic Field Correspondent, A.S.S.
“Bringing you the truth — eventually.”